There I sat. Confused, in shock, devastated. It had been confirmed a few hours prior that my son’s heartbeat had stopped beating in my womb. Why? How? I fell to my knees, cried, sobbed, pleaded with this God I had blindly turned to my whole life and just cried out “why?”.
I am not sure what really happened in those exact moments, shock has a weird way of erasing itself from your memory. I remember the events, the devastation, but the exact thoughts seem like a distant book that I can see but not make out. All I could remember in that moment was that I had not been going to church for over 18 months and 3 months prior to this night I had felt prompted to start going again. Was this God? I didn’t know but it seemed so coincidental that after over a year and a half of being separated from church and doing my own thing, that I had returned, and just before such a life changing moment. This tiny detail in my life did not leave my thoughts during my darkest hour. This coincidence seemed all too significant. In that moment, I couldn’t tell you why that (what seemed small) detail perplexed in my head, but nonetheless, it did. Now looking back, four years later, after much prayer, much discovery, I can with full certainty say, it was in fact God.
What is interesting about God is that know matter where you are at in your life, your destruction, your journey, He is there. He is waiting. He never leaves you, no matter how far you may stray from Him, His ways, His promises. In that moment of my life, while God was most certainly not my closest relationship, He was still there, in that room, sitting, crying with me.
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you” Deuteronomy 31:16
I recall in my weak, vulnerable state of pure raw pain, I prayed. I didn’t really know what to pray or if anyone was even listening, but it felt like the right thing to do. I asked God “why?” and while an audible voice or burning bush did not appear with answers, I felt a calm, a peace. I found myself opening books with spiritual reference, googling support groups laced with God’s grace, journaling words that would be in the form of prayers. To this day, I don’t know how I knew to turn into my faith versus away from it, but I truly believe divine intervention intervened. I believe in this moment, God took over and let me rest. (“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28) I believe He not only met me in my darkness, but picked me up, held me and carried me through it. It is the only explanation I have for getting through that day, that week, that season. I found thoughts entering my mind that almost seemed not my own. They were good, pure, loving thoughts. My 3 year old son would randomly utter the words “I love you so much momma” at the most random moments of my day, he will never know what this did for my soul. This same sweet child would hand me flowers and tell me everything would be okay, he was three!!! I have a three year old now and I have never had her emulate this level of affection, emotion. Looking back in hindsite, I now truly believe this was God. This was Him comforting me in the arms and voice of my son. As I learn more and more about this God that so many talk about, I see that He meets us and comforts us in our weakness, not through unbelievable miracles (while this can happen to), but through those that love us on this earth. Have you ever been in a moment of despair, pain or sadness and you get a phone call, text or message at just the right time? A friend, family member or loved one reminds you of how important you are to them or a quote, verse or sonnet of words brings you immediate relief? I believe, this is God.
So as the days passed, the seasons changed and life went on, I began to transform. I chose to really listen and believe the loving thoughts entering my mind. I accepted the random and unconditional love offered to me by my son and others. I trusted the prompt placed on my heart to find out who this God is that claims to love me and want to know me and this is what I discovered….
While I would have claimed to anyone that listened that I was a Christian, I wasn’t actually living as one. Yes, I believed in God. Yes, I was a “good” person. Yes, I went to church most Sundays. But the most important fact that I had chosen to leave out was the word, relationship. I prayed to God when I was sad or in desperate need, to be left with unanswered prayers and doubt. I tattooed a bible verse on me to display to the world the faith I so proudly believed in, but wasn’t actually living out the words with the daily actions of my heart. As I sat in my grief, my pain, I would listen. I would listen to my thoughts and sift out the ones that were unhealthy. I would listen to the words of scripture, even when I didn’t fully understand them. The truths that would pour over my soul, while not making sense in that moment, speak so clearly to my heart now. “They were never mine.” This is the thought that played on repeat in my brain. What did this mean? As I read, studied and dove into what scripture said about my children, I learned my truth. I spent three years believing my son and 18 month old daughter were mine, entitled to me. This is why losing Corey, my son, at 13 weeks and 5 days, broke me so deep. How could this loving God take away MY son?? The answer…He was never mine, they are never mine. If we truly decide to follow and believe in God and more importantly, His son Jesus, who came here to save us, deliver us and free us from sin, then we must not believe in our own vision but the vision of His truth. God created us. God created our children, spouses, mothers, sisters, brothers and friends. God created us all and we are all His children. Because God loves us so much and wants us to live abundantly, He graces us with gifts, blessings. For some this is financial security, a beloved family, a strong faith or even children. These are just that, gifts. Blessings. They are given to us on this earth to live abundantly, to display His love for His children. The problem with this earth is that we also were given free will. Free will to believe what we want. Act how we want. Worship what we want. When we start seeing these gifts, blessings, as ours, entitlements and not as gifts, we let the sin of greed seep in and rob us of the joy that these gifts were intended for. We then become reliant upon these gifts, these people, the money and unconsciously start worshiping it, them. When we lose it or them, we feel robbed, broken. Whether it is a person, a job or a child that is so quickly ripped from our life, we can know with certainty that this is not God punishing us. This is life, this is earth. This is a part of this life that is not fair and that just plain sucks. You will find no where in scripture where God or Jesus sought to hurt or punish His children, but you will find time and time again where He searched for us, forgave us and loved us. No matter where you have been or are in your life, you are never lost in His eyes. He will leave the 99 every time to search for you, find you and carry you. Miscarriage is so hard friends, it hurts, it robs you of joy, a life with a tiny human that you would have loved more than life itself but it doesn’t have to destroy you. Turn into your pain, your loss, whatever it might be and just sit with it. Be present with it and speak to it. Speak to God. Speak to the sky. Speak to yourself. Just let your thoughts of hope immerse from your brain and into the atmosphere. Ask God to show himself to you and watch. Watch for a person, a thought, an action to demonstrate love and this my friend will be God. God is love. Feel peace come over your soul and the promise of hope lift your spirits. This does not happen overnight but this does happen when your heart is open and willing to accept it.
This world is blanketed with brokenness but we are promised such a beautiful life when we align the desires of our heart with the promises of His.
So I make this plea to you today my friends, what is it that you are holding on to so tightly that if you lost it today, you would feel completely empty? I urge you to let it go. Loosen your grip. Allow life in and trust the process. Keep your hearts true and good. For me this was finding God. This was learning about Jesus. This was reading first hand how he walked this earth and lived His life. How this real, documented human, loved the sinners and ate with the tax collectors. How He died so that we could be forgiven. I know for those still trying to figure out this whole faith thing that it sounds kinda far fetched. It sounds like a pretty story that us dreamers just want to believe, but I prompt you, in your own way, to find your own truth. Read books on discovering Christianity, read the story of John to hear the testimony of Jesus’ best friend, to learn about the character and actions of Jesus. Find a trusted individual that you can ask open, honest questions with. True Christians are not condemning, they welcome and embrace your doubt filled questions. There are plenty of Christians in this world that worship Jesus but do not follow His ways. Don’t be discouraged by them. No one on this earth is perfect.
It is my hope that through my darkest hour, you will find hope during yours. You will sit with the pain, the hurt, the disappointment. You will reach out to discover a life that offers hope, peace and abundant prosperity. You will find the love that you deserve. The love that you are promised.