1 a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Worry, nervousness, unease about an imminent event. This is my current state of mind, my head space. Ughh, I hate it. So what has placed me into this uneasy zone of dread and causing me to lose sleep at night? School. Yup, good ol fashion, school. I thought at 35 years old and 3 kids, my days of testing anxiety would be gone, but I was wrong. Going back to school after my 3rd baby may not have been my most glamorous move but I do believe I will appreciate that whole hindsite is 20/20 thing. Honestly, I kinda feel like no mom less than 6 months post partum should be able to make life altering decisions that will tie you to one obligation for 4+ years, but nonetheless, here I sit. Now don’t get me wrong, I love what going back to school has given me! It’s opened my eyes to my passion and drive to a special ed world that desperately needs more help. Good help. It has given my children a visual value to education and why you shouldn’t wait until you have kids to go to college, while simultaneously showing them it’s never too late to pursue your dreams. I must say the first 3 years, while time consuming, went by fast. I have loved writing lesson plans and studying the development of children. It’s this last leg, the final sprint that has me feeling anxious. I now have timelines, expectations and others counting on me to do my part and do it successfully. It’s hard. It’s wearing down this already exhausted momma. It’s not the headspace I want to be in.
Time. This is the soulmate of patience. They totally got married after high school and are celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary this fall. They are so in love. I secretly hate them and envy them all at the same time. Just like there’s no Marlena without John (sorry, that’s my shameless Days of our Lives plug), there’s no patience without time. We must sit, we must wait and this too shall pass.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7
Prayer. This is where I shall seek shelter and find refuge. This shall be my well and the Holy Spirit will be my water.
Dear God, thank you for this space and opportunity in life where school is even an option. Thank you for continuing to provide for my family, as I trust in your plan over my own. I pray for you to hear my cries, my worry. I pray for you to fill my soul with the comfort and peace that I will successfully complete what’s required of me. I pray for clarity, wisdom and knowledge to pass my exams and to use the gifts given to me to serve you and my community. I love you and thank you for always sitting with me, crying with me, holding me as I can let the worries of this world consume me. I pray for peace over my heart and my mind. I pray this in your sons precious name, Amen.
Sometimes, we just have to be honest. Be vulnerable. We can celebrate our successes but it’s also ok to acknowledge our shortcomings. To put reality into the world and say, this is hard. I do love school, truly I do. I honestly don’t know if the passions that have been placed upon my heart would be the same had I taken these courses straight out of high school, before I lived a little life, before I had babies of my own. Maybe they would, but I do believe the timing and placement of me going back to school was with purpose. Was with reason. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Good stress is still stress. That bears repeating, good stress is still stress. Let’s remind ourselves of that when we feel the need to push away our thoughts of anxiety during a joyous occasion. During the preparation of marriage or birth of a new baby. During the beginning of a new job or decision to stay home. While these choices may be exactly what you want, its ok and normal to feel anxious. While anxiety is not a good feeling, it does not bring comfort, it is the catalyst for trust, for faith. Without a little fear or worry, there would be no reason to have faith. So remember, next time your palms go sweaty and your heart starts racing. This is go time! This is where you can take a deep breath, say an intentional (even demanding) prayer, and trust. Trust in the God who loves you, you sits with you, who has already solved the problem for you. Embrace the matrimony of time and patience and let the peace of the Holy Spirit fill you.
Oh and by you, I’m unequivocally saying me too! This is my coping mechanism, my therapy. I write out the thoughts pouring over my soul as if another, more confident and trusting spirit has taken over and is speaking on my behalf. No, I’m not suffering from dissociative identity disorder, I’m speaking of the living water flowing in me, flowing in you. Filling us with the power and love of the Holy Spirit.
Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” John 7:38
So I wrap this up tonight with a simple thought. Anxiety will rob and steal your joy, but the promise of trusting the plans already in place with restore and renew you into a place of peace that can never be destroyed.
Goodnight dear friends, let’s sleep well.