Overwhelmed, unsure, worried, disappointed, shocked, stressed, these are all feelings that at one moment in time overtook my brain before I lost my babies; these are the thoughts that would go on to haunt me.
Did I wish this upon myself? Was I not grateful enough? Did I take this blessing for granted, therefore it was taken away from me? Did my baby feel unloved? These then became the follow up dialogue that I tortured myself with late at night as I cried myself to sleep.
No. No is the definitive answer to all these questions as well as the hundred more that I am sure you have concocted into your own mind. The first thing all moms must here post loss is that they did not deserve this. They did not wish them upon themselves and they did not cause this loss. 15-20% of all pregnancies end up in miscarriage, did you realize that? I knew it happened, but before my loss, I had no idea how high the number truly was. If I had 5 pregnant friends, only 4 statistically would have the baby. This crushes my soul. Especially when you see so many “unwanted” babies being born everyday. Babies born into a world of abuse, addiction and neglect. Babies that become the devastatingly high number in our foster care system. The babies that likely don’t graduate, are poverty stricken and often end up in the system. How is this fair?
It’s not. That is that answer. Point blank. It is not fair, it never will be fair and we will never understand it. If the hopelessness of this situation burdens your heart as much as it does mine, then I say, carry it. Take up that cross. This injustice does not affect everyone, therefore not everyone feels the need to help. Fight.
Miscarriage can not end with an empty womb or a quiet crib. Miscarriage needs to become a voice that comforts the moms facing it and defending the babies surviving it. Those babies that do end up in the system. Those babies who are abandoned. Those babies who need and deserve love. We can take all our hurt, all our sorrow and all our pain and pour it over these babies that did make it on this earth. At least this is the passion placed upon my heart. This is the burden I now must bare.
Am I done having children? Possibly. Am I done growing my family? I hope not. I am no fortune teller and I can’t say with certainty what God has in store for our family, but I can say that as long as their our children on this planet that need love, I will give it. I will give it through my teaching. I will show it through my actions. I will defend them. I will speak up for them. I will give them a voice. This is how I can serve the babies that do live here and honor those that never made it.
Our thoughts did not cause our miscarriage and our lack of excitement did not end it. Your baby felt loved, because they were. The stress, anxiety and worry that you carried only grew your heart BECAUSE you cared. You were a mom to that baby. You are a mom to that baby. It is my earthly belief that we will all be reunited with our little ones. That they live through our eyes and feel what we feel. If I can’t hold my 5 angels here on this earth, I will most definitely make sure I place my eyes upon the beauty that this earth has given us, so that they can see it to. Beauty can be found in comforting another friend through her loss, fostering a relationship with a child who needs a mentor, honoring the life that you were given by living in joy.
I am so so sorry for your loss sister. I sit here with you and weep. You will get through this, I promise. It will be hard and some days will feel better than others. Whether you have been grieving for days or years, I tell you to hear this one truth, ‘you are loved‘. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and put those three words on repeat in your head. Say it so many times that no other thoughts are able to puncture through this moment of resurrection for your soul. You are loved.
“For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:17-18
This never feels good in the moment of grief. It’s not a go to statement for anyone who has just lost a baby, but I will say, once the dust settles and you are in that transition from immense grief to learning a new normal, you can take comfort in knowing that your struggles do not go unseen. They will be used and your baby will be remembered. You will be with your baby again, that my friend is eternal. Your tears will be wiped away and death will be no more. That my friend is a promise.
You are going to be okay, you are going to survive. Don’t try to speed past it, every tear, every step, every set back is necessary. This is where you let your heart heal.
My deepest condolences sister.