Crying over spilled milk, or Benadryl in my case.
What is it about 10 ml of liquid medicine being spilled upon my kitchen table that can make me jump off the deep end, lose my mind and fly off to the CooCoo nest? For real. Not askin’ for a friend, this was legit my deal. Tonight.
After yelling words that do not breathe life and putting the fear of God into my sweet precious babies, reality of my meltdown hit. What the heck am I doing? Why am I yelling over Benadryl? Generic Benadryl at that! Why am I scolding my kids for being ungrateful for all that I do when in reality they just didn’t want to take some nasty (in their opinion) tasting medicine and spilled it while fighting over whose was bigger? Mom fail.
As I forced my kids to shower and brush their teeth with absolutely no assistance, yeah…I showed them (sense the eye roll?) the intensity of my over reaction was hitting me. I refused to read a story and sent them to bed. Over spilled Benadryl. Yes, really. Mom fail. My internal dialogue screamed for me to turn it down while my pride held on tight to my anger. Just typing this out makes me realize how ludicrous I truly am.
Prayer saved the day. Well the night. Kinda. I hope at least. By this point the anger had subsided, my sweet little’s had bathed themselves (I knew they could…this was a slightly proud moment), brushed their teeth and burrowed under their covers. My 8 year old read for his 20 minute homework time and I fell apart. That’s right. As if the yelling mom wasn’t bad enough, now I’m the crying mom. I most definitely have stuck my kids in a therapist chair. Mom is Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. Ooooh the guilt tears, those are real. My 5 year old calls me in oh so sweetly to remind me I forgot to say prayers. Hallelujah! There’s a chance to redeem this awful moment. I go in and begin to pray our classic bedtime prayer and then….I go rogue. That’s right. I pray for my daughter to never act the way I did. To choose kindness over anger and to please forgive her mommy who did not react the way she should have. My little angel wrapped her arms around me and just said “its okay mommy”. The tears fell. Hard. I then made my rounds, praying to each of my children and letting them know how embarrassed I was by my tantrum. For real, that’s exactly what it was. There’s nothing like a great prayer to lay out all your flaws, ask for forgiveness and breath some grace into a less than graceful moment.
So why share this horrifying, embarrassing, mom fail moment? Well, because it’s reality. This is what being a mom can look like sometimes. On the other side of perfect smiles and filtered photos, there are moms…crying, yelling, apologizing. We all do it and I can tell you sister, 8 years in…I’m a vet. I have locked myself in bathrooms, left a screaming child (safely) in a crib while I walked outside to get some fresh air. I have screamed, slammed doors and comforted myself with wine….often all in a matter of moments.
Where does this stem from? Well I’d love to blame the over stimulating life of 3 kids, school (my school in addition to theirs), work load, husband load, house load but honestly today was a pretty decent day. I had time to read, get stuff done and even sit on the porch with a glass of wine. Today did not fit the mold of a meltdown day. Yet I still had one.
I’m sure there is some great reason for it, but you won’t find it written here. I don’t have the answer. Here you will find humility, hope and grace. Grace for myself and grace for my bad moment. I know I’m doing the best I can. I know I am using these awful moments to show my kids that I’m not perfect, while also reminding myself of this. Motherhood is messy, it just is. I love it, wouldn’t change it, but…it’s messy.
Hormones will hit where it hurts and exhaustion will slap you in the face. Even when you feel like you are getting it right, these two evils will still find a way to ruin your day.
“My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” 2 Cor. 12:9
This is what I will place on repeat in my mind tonight. This is what I will know is true, even when I feel like the worst mom on the planet right now. When I feel like I have damaged my babies and don’t deserve this beautiful life. His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in my weakness. Do we get that we were never made to be strong enough for this life? That we were never meant to be able to handle it all? Keep the house clean, bake a perfect dinner, raise darling angels, keep the hubs happy, bring home a little bacon all while smiling and giving grace to everyone around us?! We are weak and THAT’S okay! It’s is our weakness that allows Him to step in, be enough, take the reigns and pull us through. When we feel like a failure, He is there to hold us up and tell us, No. Our weakness is what tears down the pride of proving ourselves and gives us the grace of really seeing ourselves. Seeing ourselves for who we are, in His image. We are flawed, we are loved, we are His. Tonight was by no means my best moment, but had it been…I most likely would have taken full credit. Yay! me for being such a good mommy! Yay! me for displaying patience! Yay! me for being so chill! Instead I’m saying Thank you God for loving me despite my imperfections. Thank you God for forgiving me, knowing I would make this mistake. Thank you God for knowing me better than I could ever know myself.
It’s when we stop taking credit for all the good and stop shaming ourselves for all the bad, that we can be real.
I am a good mom that messes up. I am a loving wife that has bad days. I am a loyal friend, a motivated mentor, a Jesus lover that also makes mistakes.
I am not perfect no matter how often I stay in The Word or write motivational quotes. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, the quotes, motivations, words of love I often write….are the very words I need to here. I don’t say them because I have this whole life thing figured out, I say them because I’m trying to survive it like the rest of us.
Flawed may describe me but being ‘His’ will revive me.