My Demons….

The darkness that swirls from deep down within.  It creeps up and creeps out when the anger walks in.  It hits me like fury, the words come so fast .  The hate, the insults, the insecurities from past.  My head shuts down, my heart can not feel.  The walls I have built, it all feels so real.  I know this is temporary, a new day will come but when will my heart mend from damage been done.  How can I trust.  How can I know.  This won’t be my legacy, I reap what I sow.  My heart is so heavy, my spirit is so light.  For the truth that I live for is not in my sight.  It’s a heaven, a Jesus, a God that is near.  A faith, a father, a promise held dear.  Knowing no human, no possession, no thing can ever fulfill the emptiness, the sting.  For I have found my true essence, my calling, my gift, to love the unlovely, no exceptions to this.  We aren’t promised easy.  We aren’t promised fast.  We are promised His presence, a love that will last.  A love that will stand forever in time because He knows us best, He calls us divine.  So take heart weeping willow, your branches are strong.  They droop with affliction and sing a sweet song.  This moment is fleeting, the anger shall pass, but the peace of your soul will rest in Him at last.

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Anger isn’t a flaw, it’s a feeling.  While it never makes us feel good, I do believe it has its purpose.  To grow us, teach us where we are weak.  Whether it be lack of control, perfection or from years of past hurts, it must be sat with.  We must not run.  I wrote this poem in a moment of anger.  When my heart hurt and I wanted to just get it out.  By the end of this poem, I genuinely felt at peace.  Not because I had fixed anything or that the anger was gone but because I found my truth.  That this life will disappoint us.  People will disappoint us.  But God, God will never disappoint us.  Sure he will not answer prayers the way we ask but He answers them the way we need.  I don’t believe this side of heaven we will ever have the answers to cancer, miscarriage, addiction or abuse but I do believe we have the solution, Jesus.  He came in a broken world and showed us how to love.  How to listen.  How to forgive and in the end that we were forgiven.  Every hateful word, action or thought.  Forgiven.  Every bad mom moment, wife moment, friend moment, forgiven.  This isn’t a free pass to hurt others, this is a free pass to forgive yourself and proceed forward.  To pray, to write, to do what brings you peace.

If I could dispose of every angry cell in my body, I would.  But I firmly believe that anger is also what fuels my passion to fight for our children, love ALL of humanity and stand up for what’s right.

Will I mess up again? Absolutely.  But I will die trying to be a better human tomorrow than I was today.

Xoxo,

Melanie Ortiz

 

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